8 Steps For Recovering From A Messy Break UP

Nobody likes to suffer from a broken heart, due to a bad break up. Life would be great if couples could learn to dissolve their relationships in an amicable manner. Wouldn’t it be great if two people could simply say; “this is not working, we both agree that we want out, have a nice life, and see you around.” Unfortunately this rarely happens, instead there is name calling, fighting, court battles, lies, accusations, and sometimes violence. The person you once loved, you now hate and wouldn’t shed a tear if they died the next day. The truth is that the hate and anger is usually rooted in pain; the result of betrayal. So, how can someone move on from a broken heart and a messy break up? Hopefully the following suggestions will help.

1. Perform a relationship (autopsy)= examination of a dead relationship: figure out what went wrong, what role you played in the relationship demise. Maybe you ignored red flags, maybe you had poor communication, maybe you did not assert your thoughts or feelings etc.

2. Create boundaries: change phone numbers if necessary, change locks to your home, close join accounts, change passwords to online social media or any other accounts, create distance from your ex. (exceptions are made when children are involved), stop phone calls and texts

3. Social support: create a support system of friends and family, seek group or individual counseling if necessary, church support can be helpful

4. Exercise: to release stress, yoga, walking, running, or hand weights work well

5. Occupy your mind: volunteer to help others to keep your mind off of your problems, learn a new hobby, work a second job if possible

6. Positive words: choose your words wisely, don’t dwell on the break up, don’t share the story over and over, don’t ruminate in hurt feelings, don’t focus on the negativity, don’t burden friends and family with stories about how horrible your ex is or what their latest antics are (seek counseling if necessary)

7. Spiritual connection: prayer and meditation are essential, God heals all

8. Journal: express emotions, regrets, and lessons learned

Advertisements

Patience In Relationships

Relationships are a lot of work, and like many other aspects in our lives, relationships require patience. Patience is key to having peace in life and in life’s circumstances. Ideally, we should have a greater level of patience with those whom we are in relationship with. Quite often those who we are in relationship with have the ability to evoke great emotional responses, because of the history, and emotions that are tied up within the relationship. With this being said, those that we love are sometimes difficult to love, which makes patience difficult as well. Can you remain in love and show kindness when your patience are being tested? Can you be patient when you are angry? Can you show patience when your heart is hurting and you feel betrayed? If not, how should one show patience in trying times? Here are some helpful ideas for maintaining patience in difficult times.

  1. Show patience by walking away from negative behaviors until you are calm.
  2. Show patience by praying for yourself and the other person.
  3. Show patience by reading bible scriptures daily regarding your specific issue.
  4. Show patience by meditating daily, this will improve your mood, give clarity, and allow for more patience.
  5. Show patience by understanding that you cannot change others only yourself.
  6. Show patience by listening to the other person, don’t interrupt.
  7. Show patience by not having the last word.
  8. Show patience by validating the other person’s feelings.
  9. Show patience by using humor, make yourself and or the other person laugh to ease the tension.
  10. Show patience by compromising and taking the higher road.

The Emotionless Man…..

How do you express your emotions? Well this many depend on whether or not you are a man or a woman. There seems to be this ongoing debate between men and women, and among women that men are emotionless, quite often women are witnessed saying things like “he just shuts down” or “he doesn’t show emotion.” Well there are many different ways to show emotion. It appears that God made men and women differently for specific purposes. One way in which men and women differ is the manner in which they express emotions.

Women seem to be under the misconception that men should express themselves in the same manner in which they do. This couldn’t be further from the truth, men have the God-given right to express their emotions in whatever manner they see fit. When thinking about emotions, it is important to remember that this varies with the individual, emotional expression may be based on past and present experiences, such as family upbringing, abuse, culture, and religion.

Perhaps if someone is not expressing their emotions in a manner that is conducive to your personal needs then maybe you are in a relationship with the wrong person, or maybe you need to be more flexible and understanding.  Also, it is important to remember that it is sometimes unreasonable to force others to change the way they express themselves, simply for personal gain.

Women, unfortunately can sometimes wear their emotions on their sleeves, this can be good and bad depending on the situation. God made women visibly emotional because  we were made to be caregivers and bearers of children (just one reason). Think about how most individuals learn to love and express affection, it starts with the mother. However, it is important to remember that men are not cold and emotionless human beings, in general. Some people are cold and do not express their emotions but both men and women can be the product of this. Having a difficult time expressing emotions is not solely a male issue there are women who have this issue as well. Often, when we do not like the way someone is expressing their emotion we tend to say that they have issues expressing their feelings, but maybe they are just expressing their feelings in a way that we do not like or understand, which doesn’t mean they are wrong.

So to say that men do not have or express emotions, is inaccurate, men and women are different as they are supposed to be. Often men can be seen expressing emotions in the following manner and situations.

  1. During sporting events, many men have expressed happiness, sadness, frustration, and anger. Many coaches and players display an array of emotions on the football field and basketball court. Many men can be seen crying when they lose an NBA championship, or the first round of the play offs. Men definitely cry when they are injured during sports, try shutting down when you have a fractured bone or a sprained anything….
  2. Men definitely show emotion when they witness the birth of their children.
  3. Men show emotion on their wedding day, when they see the woman of their dreams walking down the aisle.
  4. Men show emotion when they witness their sons passing the threshold of moving from boy to man.
  5. Men show emotion at funerals.
  6. Men show emotion during heated conversations/fights with their spouses or enemies.
  7. Men show emotion when they cannot find employment, and are frustrated when they cannot provide for their families.
  8. Men show emotion when the woman they love is in pain or bothered by something.
  9. Men show emotion when they see their dreams crash in front of their face.
  10. Men show emotion when their marriages fail and they have to get a divorce.
  11. Men show emotion when they accomplish their goals.
  12. Men show emotion when they see an old friend, that they have not seen in a long time.
  13. Men show emotion when they realize that their actions have caused pain for others.
  14. Men show emotion when they have broken hearts.
  15. Men always show emotion when they hold their babies in their arms.
  16. Men show emotion when their children are taken away.
  17. Men show emotion when they are fired from a job.
  18. Men show emotion when their trust has been violated.

The Rally Around Relationship Sin

When we are behaving badly, what is the motivation?  Why do we allow ourselves to be pulled into more sin and dysfunction with the encouragement of others? How often have you listened to or participated in conversations such as women encouraging other women to engage in negative sexual acts, or men encouraging other men to abuse women? Who do you take your counsel from? What qualifies that person to counsel you? When others encourage certain behaviors in you, do you ever take the time to question their motivation? I have experienced and observed people who encourage others to do wrong, and their motivation is usually for selfish gain, wanting to disrupt or gain something in the progress.

How do you determine who is worthy of giving you counsel? Well, for starters the person who counsels you whether friend or family should be someone who has values that are aligned with yours, and your values should be aligned with God’s. Often we allow others to give us advice when they are simply not qualified to do so; and or have the wrong motivation. We cannot afford to arbitrarily allow others into our lives and advise us when they are not qualified to do so, because this could lead to more negative behaviors.

Negative Behaviors that are often encouraged:

  1. Promiscuous sexual behaviors
  2. Disrupting marital vows
  3. Stealing from work or unknown people
  4. Gossiping about others
  5. Retaliating against others
  6. Lying for personal gain or to avoid responsibility
  7. Belittling others for a so-called justified reason or cause
  8. Betraying the confidence of others because of a lack in loyalty
  9. Encouragement to physically harm others
  10. Encouragement to evade responsibility such as parenting, paying childhood support, and admitting to or serving a sentence for illegal behaviors
  11. Encouragement to use drugs or alcohol

Others may benefit from your negative behaviors in the following ways:

  1. Dismantling a relationship that you treasure
  2. Causing you pain misery
  3. Positioning themselves to have a relationship with you that would otherwise be prohibited
  4. Receiving support in engaging in their sinful behaviors. Ex. encouraging you to commit adultery, lie, cheat, or steal (they may feel less guilty if they have company in committing their negative acts
  5. When others are afraid of trying and progressing they will encourage you not to try as well, they cannot stomach the idea of you being successful They are more comfortable with you remaining on their level

You may be easily influenced and coerced into sinful behaviors if:

  1. You are more interested in pleasing people and not in pleasing God.
  2. You are not secure within yourself, and believe whatever others tell you.
  3. You are too lazy to read and study the bible to find out God’s plan for your life.
  4. You live in fear because you are afraid to confront your fears.
  5. You are easily manipulated

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a difficult task, yet necessary in our everyday lives. There is a common misconception when it comes to forgiveness, this misconception is that by forgiving others we are condoning negative or hurtful behaviors, that by forgiving we are showing weakness. Both ideologies are incorrect. The bible states ” For if you forgive people their trespasses [their reckless and willful sins, leaving them, letting them go, and giving up resentment], your heavenly Father will also forgive you. (Matthew 6:14 AMP)” I believe the point of this scripture is that, our goal is to be God like, and in doing so we have to practice forgiveness. God constantly and consistently forgives us of our sin, so we must do the same to those in our lives.

Practicing forgiveness releases us from internal pain, forgiveness allows us to move away from the past and embrace our future, while being productive during our present. Holding ourselves in un-forgiveness is the equivalent of living in a prison, it propels us into being unproductive. Forgiving others takes strength and courage, it does not mean that we allow others to mistreat us or that we allow others to abuse us. It simply means that we move on with our lives, we learn from the past, and we don’t worry about whether or not others will hurt us. We simply live in the peace and joy that God has granted all of us. Don’t allow yourself to live in the prison of un-forgiveness.

The Best Sex You Will Ever Have

So what does the best sex ever look like? The best sex ever will take place inside a committed marital relationship, with someone who is selfless. Selflessness is important because sex will not simply be about them only,  they will consider your feelings and work hard to please you. When someone truly cares about you, they will not pressure you to do things sexually that you are not comfortable with, and they will be patient and kind. They will understand any possible past sexual trauma, they will make you feel that you have the ability to meet all of their sexual needs, and those needs will be aligned with God’s word, the person that makes his or her spouse feel inferior by requesting to bring outside people or experiences into the relationship perhaps do not have your best interest at heart.

The best sex ever should include the following:

  1. A committed loving relationship which breeds respect and morals.
  2. High frequency, meaning as much as possible, with exceptions for health problems and long distance marriages.
  3. Creativity and spontaneity, nobody wants the same old boring sex.
  4. Free of health concerns, if there is concern of STDs then the enjoyment of sex will be hindered, condoms were meant mainly for those practicing sex with multiple partners, marital sex should be free of health worries, as this will provide a damper on sex.
  5. Respect is vital, because if one respects his spouse then he will not ask for uncomfortable or risky sex, who wants sex that someone had to pressured into.
  6. Patience and the desire to learn new things and explore each others bodies in a respectful manner.
  7. Trust, love, and security that sex is long-term and not just for one night.
  8. Freedom to share desires and passions in a safe environment.

Sex should not include the following:

  1. Guilt, shame, or force
  2. Deception
  3. Risk to health
  4. Other people besides your spouse
  5. Dread
  6. Being uncomfortable
  7. Feelings of loneliness
  8. Regret
  9. Contradiction to God’s word

Misguided Hatred

Quite often, the saying “hate is a wasted emotion” is used, perhaps there is some truth to this saying. Hate usually leaves the individual feeling angry and unhappy.  Dictionary.com  describes hatred as “the feeling of one who hates, intense dislike or extreme aversion or hostility.” Usually when the term hatred is used it is directed toward a specific person, place, or thing. Unfortunately, I think it is highly misused against people.  What does it really mean to hate someone? Does one have to know an individual personally in order to hate them? You would think so, but think of the numerous celebrities that are hated by the general public, most likely for unjust reasons, but yet still hated. I say unjust because how does one hate someone they do not know? The hip hop culture often use the term “he hatin on me” which carries the connotation that someone is disliked or the victim of someone else’s jealous feelings without justification.

What about unjustified hate toward a friend or family member? I often wonder how does someone claim friendship and yet hate the person at the same time?  When the term hate is so loosely used, we forget that sometime the thing that makes us so envious of others could very well be the talent or blessing that God has placed upon them. If you compare yourself to your friend, or become angry or enraged when they acquire material possessions, a new spouse, have a special talent, a raise a work etc., then be careful, because you may be hating a blessing from God. So it’s not really the person you are hating, maybe it’s the blessing, and if it’s the blessing then you run the risk of hating God.

Maybe you should take a personal inventory and examine the next time you feel hate towards someone. Ask yourself, why am I so annoyed by this person, why do I dislike this person?  Think of how unfair it is for the other person who considers you a friend. They spend time with you and share their hopes and dreams, just to have you speak ill behind their backs and to betray their confidence. How unfair for the person who looks at you as a friend, how hurtful. Maybe if you cannot be a true friend without hate or envy then you should let the friendship dissolve. What are you gaining by pretending, every time your friend comes around you feel annoyed or angry; this is your issue not your friend’s. If someone is your friend you should be able to cheer for them and all their successes and help them in times of their failure. Practicing the art of “Fake  Friendship” is a waste of time and is hurtful to the other person.  Just as hate is also a waste of time, because it usually accomplishes nothing.