Boys Will Be Boys . . . Unless We Teach Them Something Better

innovcounseling:

Food for thought

Originally posted on John Sommers-Flanagan:

What follows is a reprint from the ACA blog I wrote a couple weeks ago just in case you didn’t catch that. Have an excellent weekend.

Some of you may already be aware of Rosalind Wiseman’s work. She initially became recognized as a national parenting authority with the publication of her popular book, “Queen Bees and Wannabees” (2003).  This book inspired the movie “Mean Girls.” Despite her lack of academic credentials (a B.A. in Political Science from Occidental College), she has done some good work around the topic of girl bullying.

In her latest book, Masterminds and Wingmen: Helping Our Boys Cope with Schoolyard Power, Locker-Room Tests, Girlfriends, and the New Rules of Boy World she ventures into new and exciting territory. But from the perspective of a grown up boy, I think, despite her best intentions, she doesn’t really get the boy world. This is probably because she never…

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Mom You Don’t Have The Right (a child’s voice)

Mom you don’t have a right to bring me into a world and not prepare a place for me

Mom you don’t have a right to mistreat and resent me because you don’t like my father

Mom you don’t have a right to drag me from dysfunctional relationship to relationship looking for a love to satisfy your heart

Mom you don’t have a right to put me in harms way

Mom you don’t have a right to pawn me off on others to raise (grandparents, daycare, friends) so that you can work or party or because you don’t want to be bothered

Mom you don’t have the right to sacrifice me for drugs and alcohol

Mom you don’t have the right to remarry without considering how I would be affected

Mom you don’t have the right to sleep with so many men that you don’t know who my father is

Mom you don’t have the right to poison my mind against my father

Mom you don’t have the right to have more children than you can afford or have time to raise, leaving me in substandard living conditions

Mom you don’t have the right to love me last

Mom you don’t have the right to be selfish

Mom you don’t have the right to have another baby with another man, and treat my brother or sister better because you like their father the best

Mom you don’t have the right to have strange men living in your home and leave me unattended for them to do to me whatever they desire

Mom you don’t have the right to ignore the fact that the man in your life is abusing me

Mom you don’t have the right to have me, when you have not healed from your childhood trauma, thus inflicting trauma upon me

Mom you don’t have the right to not take your mental health medication, thus making my life an emotional roller coaster

Mom you don’t have the right to ignore me and not teach me and become upset when I allow friends and the streets to teach me

Mom you don’t have the right to go on a television show to find out who my father is, thus letting the world know that I am unwanted and unplanned

Mom you don’t have the right to move me from house to house, thus making it hard to trust and create friendships

Mom you don’t have the right to make me lie or help you lie so that you can receive aid from the government

Mom you don’t have the right to pick and choose when you want to parent

Mom you don’t have the right to allow yourself to be abused in front of me, causing me to worry and live in fear

Mom you don’t have the right to become angry when I become just like you

What is the difference between successful and unsuccessful marriages?

Many people decide to commit to marriage every year, yet as we all know the divorce statistics are at an all time high. What makes some marriages last and others dissolve, sometimes very early; a couple of years or less. Many experts and others in the field would probably have many theories as to why so many marriages end in divorce. Well, I think that several considerations should be mentioned when trying to figure out the marriage dissolution maze. I purpose the following reasons as to why some marriages last and others do not.

Marriages that don’t work:

FIRST: Marriage is forever, at least it used to be. Many couples in today’s world enter marriage with the thought process that if things get “sticky” or if the couple becomes unhappy a divorce is just one legal document away. Marriage is no longer forever!

SECOND: There seems to be this unrealistic belief that marriage brings happiness. This is a touchy subject, many don’t like when I inform them that their spouse is not responsible for their overall happiness. This is a heavy burden to place on another person, to make someone else responsible for their happiness. A spouse can do little things to make you happy and two people can create awesome memories, but at the end of the day true happiness comes from GOD and self. It is each individual person’s responsibility to create a relationship with God and to find out his or her purpose in life, which will lead to happiness. To say that a husband or wife has to make someone else happy takes away individual responsibility. Ideally, only whole and happy people should marry, thereby lessening the pressure that can be put upon a spouse to create happiness.

THIRD: Many people show up in marriage with many wounds; such as past physical and sexual abuse, abandonment issues by parents, trust issues from prior relationships, and mental health issues. All of this can lead to a volatile relationship. Wounded people marry looking for someone to HEAL them.

FOURTH: Many couples are selfish and not willing to work through the hard times. Couples like instant gratification and when they do not get instant gratification they become angry, bitter, and resentful. Most couples spend time crying and talking about how and why they are unhappy instead of investing that time into their relationship.

Marriages that work:

1. Individuals allow selfish needs to die
2. Divorce is not an option simply because someone is unhappy
3. Individuals have a relationship with God
4. Individuals are self-aware and work on healing and solving their issues from the past
5. Individuals understand that they are responsible for their own happiness
6. Individuals are aware of their role in the marriage and execute it daily